Welcome to the Hotel Ariyas

Whenever we play the Eagle's "Hotel California" in my room ,samosi starts talking about the Hotel Ariyas in Cochin.
We even made a small parody and sing that during once in a blue moon.
And we start ........"Welcome to the Hotel ARIYAs,
Any time of the year
You can pay for water here
What a sad surprise !!!!!!!"
Hahahahaha ............ the atmosphere gets charged up within seconds. And samosi seems to be the most happy man in our band.
But that day at the Hotel Ariyas , samosi felt really bad and screwed up.
"Why do i need to pay for the water ?" asked samosi. Mira also said the same, but he was afraid to shout. But Samosi made some noise.
"Dosa ,Chaai and water" Samosi read out the Bill. Samosi is a japanese.
At the cash counter the cashier was arguing with him,"kerala people like water,then
Samosi actually contiinued arguing ... he was right , they had charged him for the water too.
but the cashier simply kept on smiling .
Thats the last time he appeared for the dinner argument . We were going to eat at the same hotel.
When my friend asked me ,"hey boss! Whats up ? You look so down ! "
I knew that what my inner mind had ,came out on my face and it manifested. I could never prevent the outflow of thoughts on to my face.
"You seem to have lost a lot of weight too"
"Hmm... he is blogging always ! Might be thats why? Dont we need a lot of enegry to blog...Hahahahahaha..." joined another friend of mine. We met after a dinner in a local restaurant near our stay. Hotel Ariyas . It provides cheaper food and we usually make it out there whenever we don't cook.
"He keeps thinking for the blog ... so might be he doesnt get the time to eat properly ..."
"and think a lot these days.. i think"
"look at me " he was trying to cheer me up " show happiness on your face at least now"
"its been long since we met , and what happened in all these days..."
"and you were not gloomy at all , and now you look so dull"
I smiled as if i was learning how to smile,"Hey ! nothing happened"

Will Neena meet Viv ...Tears of stream ...

When my friend asked me ,"hey boss! Whats up ? You look so down ! "
I knew that what my inner mind had ,came out on my face and it manifested. I could never prevent the outflow of thoughts on to my face.
"You seem to have lost a lot of weight too"
"Hmm... he is blogging always ! Might be thats why? Dont we need a lot of enegry to blog...Hahahahahaha..." joined another friend of mine. We met after a dinner in a local restaurant near our stay. It provides cheaper food and we usually make it out there whenever we don't cook.
"He keeps thinking for the blog ... so might be he doesnt get the time to eat properly ..."
"and think a lot these days.. i think"
"look at me " he was trying to cheer me up " show happiness on your face at least now"
"its been long since we met , and what happened in all these days..."
"and you were not gloomy at all , and now you look so dull"
I smiled as if i was learning how to smile,"Hey ! nothing happened"

I know one thing for sure now. In life there is no phase called free, if i feel that i got a hurdle right now then i might feel that s the most important and the final one. I decide to focus on it and dream the life thereafter with the non existence of that hurdle. I work on to finish it off, where the whole world might seem to end with the most sure treasure to be handed over.
But then life has to go on , as soon as i finish the hurdle.i find the next one ... hurdle
..........
sometimes my inabilities are so big that they swollen up and blown up bigger than external hurdles .... but the pace of life is a constant one. But life is merciless
it has no sense of regrets even after destroying my happiness. It still smiles at me , is that the sense of loss that makes me sad. or it the thought of the long life without them...


A TRUE STORY

Lemme tell you the story of my friend Viv and neena. Neena worked in a huge commercial city but away from her native.She had a great liking to come back and settle in her native . She wanted a peaceful life and she was much settled into her job. Around the start of the new year , neena meets a guy called Viv in the orkut, going through his profile. Viv worked in their native. After a long sentimental pause in her life ,she was about to meet a guy who would change her from what she was. She has been through the blues of a love ,one year back. They were together for a couple of years.She loved him but their she never found what the true she was looking for.
"This was the first time in my life when i felt a value for myself , for a period of time I felt important and good for someone. I never valued myself ,and it was there on my face. " Viv told me after i met him in the coffee house for a tea.
They had a talk and it seems life's put a lot of challenges to them before they can unite. It is unbearable to lose somebody after learning that you are helpless.
I had a very busy day in the office so a cup of tea in the evening refreshed me a lot. A story over a cup of tea is the best thing I can have.
"But today my tears have come back!" ,he was sipping on and gazed into my eyes as if looking for an answer.
"hmm ! Why viv" , i knew it. I knew when i was in the university, to have lost a person would mean the loss of this world. You cry like a helpless destitute ,a child whose mother has just gone missing.
"My tears were waiting for a comeback. For the past six months they could never wet me completely. They tried but couldn't. But today, they wet my soul. I am alone again. suddenly, all of a sudden I am alone. " ,he was true. He will be indeed alone.


"She said, she is crying and wet her pillow, it was all because of me." he was talking about neena.
"But, she may, never understand my pain" .
"No viv, you are wrong..she can easily understand.If i could then she will for sure" , i whispered to me in my mind.
"because, as usual, I used to eat away my pain. I became silent after years, probably after three years, in these three years, I chirped lot. As if my soul is dead. I was dead three years back to. I struggled really hard for a comeback!!!"
he was never interested in the tea now.
I know him very well, he talks and chirps like a chatterbox. But when sad he goes into a cocoon, and never comes out.

"I need a patient ear to listen to my story. "
"I am here , i got time today tomorrow is a leave"


...
..
.
I noticed something about his dress. It looked shabby and smelly too. But i never bothered to ask him.
"It was first day in my office here that I came with the same dress which I was sleeping in. I was numb, after the call. I was like a deaf who could only hear the banging s of dance, the dancing of the wounded soul. This is what happened to me, a few years back, I could never cope up with my frustrations, and was thrown back and back..." I think he understood from looks and started telling what happened in the office.

"As my friend rightly told me,You are not made for this world. How many times yaar,
I don't know why i make people cry."
"You never make anybody cry, i know you make everybody laugh" i knew him well.
"hmm ..."
"He is the guy who ate up every sorrow from rising and never show it up on the face.He would be appreciating people even when he lost the game. He would like to spend the last moment of his happiness even when he was pick pocketed just a few moments back.And they think he is the most happy man and never share, his sorrows he was alone ", i told to myself.
...
..
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I was so engrossed in his story that i forgot about an appointment with Dr Arun. I was almost late ,but my cell phone started ringing. "How crap " I got angry at the cell. But it was the appointment call. We are so packed up in our lives that emotions and feelings have no place in our lives.
"One sec ,Viv "
"Hmmm......" he stopped.
i felt bad to break his conversation.
"hey ,I got to go right now and be back in the room after 30 minutes. We meet up there and continue the talks", i was almost out at the reception paying the bills.
"sure , i will be n yr room after 30 minutes"
"see ya , then take care"
And we were off for a short break.


Viv walked alone in the streets for a while and he recollected the chat lines with neena ,"I drink too much of water, more than 2.5 liters of water a day, that's why I cry so much, my eyes are full of water every time."
"hahahahaha...." her reply came in.
"we are so emotional..." she typed in.
They would chat for hours after they reach home. It was a meeting time and they dated everyday.
It was a busy and a dark street he was walking with loads of thinking working tiresomely in his mind's workshop. Its the devil's workshop...
"But life has got something else in store for us ....
we will be close friends for ever ... closer than ever friends had been ... " he said to himself..

"The rains were heavy and pour tons of water , the rain gods cried finally , they were waiting for us to cry. "she shouted over the phone.
She called me in the morning. I could hear rain bashing down heavily in the background ...
But Gods are merciless they never have emotions. They never feel sad and happy.......
..
.
...
After 30 minutes we met at my room to resume the talk...
we got the dinner ready ,from a nearby hotel.
Thought of having it while we talked.

"I promised her a come back."
"Apart from the sorrow and the sadness i have , today i am happy for her .
Today i may be sad , but my gratitude for the bigger happiness she has given me.
My most valuable accomplishment after this relation is that I’ve reached a point in my life where i live very, very consciously. Each day will have a purpose . Each day of my life will be filled with meaning and purpose and gratitude. I enjoy a deep sense of inner peace and joy. Today i can promise myself ,I am unafraid to take action and to fail."

"i dont know if i can come back in life, you know am still struggling " ,he has the one round ball of tear ,shaping up in the corner of his eyes.
i knew he was right... We all struggle to put an end to the struggles. But they all never seem to end.
TO CONTINUE...........
....
I have the deepest feeling of love for her ...

Every Boss has a Day !

Every once in a while at the office, there will be an incident that makes Heroes..today the hero is our boss ... 16th June 2008 ...

Let me tell you what happened in the morning ,We all stood up to show our respect when he bumped into our hall ,that was the usual presentation also called the "meeting of the Day" by the Office. It took place at 09 30 AM IST, whenever it took place.

"Hello Friends" and he comes out of his cabin shouting. Mind you its 'Hello friends' and not 'hell of
friends' that he says , thank God in the morning.

"Today we have a new friend who joins us here"

"Please welcome Ms Mahagomi Our new japanese friend , who joins us today " ... and the usual blah blah blah ...
Suddenly the power goes off.. and there is pin drop silence as the fans stop their noise ... Now his voice was clear and
squeaky ,his tone changed as the fans stopped slowly...He felt insulted when the lights were gone ... but poor guy smiled
and exclaimed loudly "Mahagomy..." ... Ms Mahagomi is very shy and blushes ,She might have felt nervous looking at so
many indians together.she might have had great respect for indians especially after meeting our boss.
"i hope you all will take care of mahogomy and take her into your team, please welcome her" his quota of words finished.

" now mahagomy will say a few words of introduction. Come mahagomy , please say something about
yourselves..."

...
..
.
After the brief introduction and induction , mahagomy sat next to me. She was wondering why the hell indian ACs are not
working efficiently" . After a long wait ,the power did come.
Now there was another major ceremony of the day, inaugurating the Swipe card reader in our office.
And the boss was actually waiting for the 'return of power'.

...
..
.

"Hello friends" he ran out of his cabin, most people who faced him suddenly started to minimize the
orkut and chat windows. Unlucky guys like me need a much better chance and its a habit to turn our head around to spot him
before opening my favourite windows.
"Today we are going to introduce the card reader ", he said showing the white card in
his hand raising it so that all can see it.Then he went near the card reader to show us how it worked....His swipe was in
the Name tag which he hung on his neck.. so swiping the card would mean he has to bend his neck and move his face towards the swipe machine.
He did this for 5 -6 times during the demo of "How to use the Swipe card?" Poor guy He never thought it will be hard work for him too, now he never talk about the Card Reader again."All of you are welcome to put your comments and if you have any suggestions ,please tell it to the administrator. I think we can work together to improve our company , so that it benefits the society , which will improve the state and the country."
"hahahaa.. .." most of us laughed but it dint come out too much ...
After she made a round in the office ,introducing each of us , it was time for a break ,may be we call it the Unofficial Tea break ! The boss ordered that none should drink tea in the coffee room (hahahaha How does one drink tea in the coffee room any way? Huh It should be Tea Room...right)during the morning session .
"If you want to drink tea I have no problems only thing is that you take the Cup and come inside to drink."
"We dont allow tea break in the morning !"
This order was passed two months ago during a similar meeting. From then people have
reduced the visits to coffee room. I still remember , there was one incidence regarding the number of coffee vended out by the machine. He used to count the number of coffee made in a week by noting the readings in the Machine.
Then he found that on an average an employee drinks around 5 cups of coffee a day. Hmmm ......

There will be incidences of this type in any organization which will be fun and lighter to share , employees get together in spare time to crack jokes and share these moments

Ironical....but these are the few methods that help us cope up with the psychological stress that is developed at the work place. Sharing can be so much fun.Each employee has an experience which is so personal to him/her of his working environment.They start developing feelings about the work. An idea about the collective feelings the employees have is a good measure of the work culture in the organization. Its another of a topic to analyze and discuss, we do it when we get time...........

i still remember drinking Tea in the beginning When i joined the company. Then used to be a party atmosphere during the Tea time . But a few months later purchase of tea was stopped . Few people like me who prefer tea to coffee had to look for alternative sources of tea, though i still remember having tried drinking coffee but further allergies prevented me from more coffee...
...
Learning the Japanese language was another topic of fun and interest we loved to have. Every year new teachers are recruited from japan for teaching us japanese. Its not just the language but the culture as well that s imparted during this training.Learning it for the first time was fun and the strangeness of their art and dexterity of their craft made us wonder.
Mahagomy will come at 5 00 PM to call us for classes.
...
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During the japanese classes , we are able to express our doubts ......

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SLEEP

Afternoon times are the most funny ,,, the power of sleep sweeps almost all of us. Some employees just doze off without much effort and get up after a quick fall , a sharp jerk , sometimes the mouse falls down like what happened with me last week... How helpless we are that we feel so ugly after opening the eyes after a satisfying official nap, there are incidences where we start dreaming even ... is that day dreaming about people whom we love ... a better job ... a better pay and the wishful fantasies
dream about a beautiful dance with the beloved one. She will dance with the elegance and grace which will never pull you out of it , whereas the boss comes fron the behind somewhere and stands behind you checking for what happened.He may be cunning and may keep a watchful eye on you or wait for your sleep to break ...
once that happened last week one of our colleagues was sleeping in the morning itself, i guess it was a monday morning and no wonder almost all of them were sleepy... guess the reason 'they all came from home'. he was sleeping and was unaware of the boss , who was standing next to him.
Boss asked, "hey Fo! whassup ... what you are doing in the project right now" .But Fo was deep in sleep , unaware of the boss next to him.Suddenly boni came up between them and shook fo. "Hmmm, ah whats up!"
"Bony ,what are u doing?" Boss asked boni.
"Sir , iam trying to wake up Fo" bony was shaking fo.
"I am not asking that , i want to know the current position of our project"

"Oh ok! Its current position is with Fo ,Sir"
Suddenly he wanted to know if the documentation was over or not,"Will u call BP , where is he?" BP is an expert in documentation.But BP was on leave....
BP is like doing all crazy stuff ... Then Baby is the designer who is all very important in designing the sites and any page...
...
..

.
hahahaha fantasies increase when the workload is too much, they are like stress busters...

there are many who feel embarrassed after a sudden fall..especially just after the lunch break ... some do play prank on people who are victims to sleep... a well earned sleep during the working hours is more valuable than the sleep at night....
Some develop methods of sitting straight and elegant even when enjoying a official sleep.

The inmates of St Joseph's Leper Home ..........

They have been coming here for the past one  and a half years , two of the inmates come everytime. I met them six or seven times in the past one year. I still remember the first time when they came here .It was the first week of February , just after i joined the company here. They had a plastic cover with them which had one side transparent. The necessary certificates to prove that they are the original  inmates of the Leper home were with them. I had a look at them , they normally come in the morning time and i will be busy  for the office. I always wanted to have a talk with them and share their experiences. But there visit is often unpredicted and mostly i forget. I am so happy when they said 'Hi' to me. I felt like the most happy man. Its difficult to make them happy who live in misery. We all live in a different world , where our concerns are no longer our basic needs .

We all live and struggle for vanities. 

   But i could see the instinct in them for the struggle for survival. 

One of them holds the receipt book and he talks more,but  in his  broken malayalam. They  are basically tamil. He shouted at my first sight with a real energy, "Vanakkam sir!".

 I knew i was happy to see them and that my day will be good. 

" Namaskaram " I replied

" Its been long........" i asked.................

1 March 2002..................

            The days are arid and windy ,  especially during the morning the winds blow very fast. Most of the coconut trees in the area have their leaves turned to the west because of the continuous winds for three months. These strong winds blow from the east to the west forcing the leaves and the plants to bend to the west along with the wind.

Staying in an arid climate means extra strain on the body . Extreme climatic conditions is often very punishing .

But evenings i would prefer to walk with ram when the breeze is calm and the temperature is  low enough to soothe the body. There are the usual temple chants that linger and envelope the evenings  till i reach ram's residence. Evening s are prayer times in the temples when devotees gather up for a Darshan(Darshan means the Holy view of the Deity [Idol of the God] in the temple for which the devotees gather up inside a temple) .  I normally prefer to have the Darshan in the morning when the crowd is less and the atmosphere is very calm with stillness of the morning air. But here in this part the mornings are often too windy. Which makes me miss the morning temple visits  in my home town.  I was thinking about so many things when i walk.

hmmm........

People make it up for the evening , some do shopping , some meet friends , some walk like me . You can see a lot of people once in a while when i pass the junctions. 

I pass the streets slowly . I wont do it often , but i love walking in  the cooler evenings of the summer season  . Its a different feeling to walk. If you walk alone you make up for you own world and your imagination brings in characters whom you love to interact with.

But if you are with somebody you may always have the physical confidence of a partner with you. Thats how i strengthen relations , a walk can make a difference....

...

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    Ram's (Ram is a close friend of mine) calling me sissy for all reasons. He ,it seems that, is annoyed by my behavior. I would normally annoy everybody ,even surprisingly myself.  Ironically he called me a good man and added  a cliche that I am not a person made for this place. According to him ,I am not made for anything wrong. "People make you a fool,why not?" He says often. In fact it gives me a widening answer  too. I say to myself,"Think about it!!"

   He got angry ,"You are like a girl !" . I didnt get him. "You take revenge like a jealous girl, feel bad for every reason" ,ram opened up.

   

  "They cry for all reasons, you too do the same". Met ram in the evening. Wanted to drink a tea from his home. But he refused and said that we have a tea from olavakkode.  Well he seems to be troubled and behaved very polish and formal. We were walking together but he never faced my face even once . I used to put the topics when we ran out of them, I was talking about the Gujarat Violence. "Gujarat violence is deepening ,both the communities are heading for a tussle of war" He would walk straight without paying attention to what i said. It was as if I had the prerogative to continue the talk as long as we had the walk.

  "Hey what do you say about the All India Strike?" I asked him

"Its good " he said

  When you find that the days are going past hay ward but nothing works out. Its like weeks pass by easily but to pass the day is a gigantic task

 I put the Wishcraft exercises with sunil . Thanks to sunil,  he helped me get the food. Yesterday after 4 pm ,he left for home. I was sitting all alone there at spectrum, its the lodge name where we stayed.

 Doing nothing at all, I found plenty of time. I hate it. Some works should keep you occupied. That keeps you mentally active. I dreamt about what happened yesterday during the lulls in our walk. Sometimes i even day dream during our walk, i start visualizing a happy and a satisfying future.

 Walked in the Olavakkode street with my friend, Ram, till late night . Having left with no money, I slept without any food . This happened for the next four days. I knew the hypocrisy 

behind my acts.

 ...

,

The next morning I got up too early, without food the sleep system seems to fail everytime to fill its course. Its even harder to go into sleep when your tummy is empty. I sometimes .......

..

..

I was thinking about a guy called Cherian , whom  i met in the train last week. Cherian is working with Toyota. He married his colleague and were working in the same department. I met him at the door of the compartment ( Bogie of the train) , where he was consoled by two men, who seemed to be his friends. He was standing in a dilemma.  After watching them I learnt that he lost his money bag , a purse containing valuable cards when he used the toilet (loo of the train). 

The purse had his ID Cards, bank cards and important numbers. It also had the keys of the company research room.  He was indeed worried . But after  about an hour's conversation , i could easily get  closer to him. 

 He was a well mannered person by temperament who loved human values and traditions more than money.He too seems to be crazy like me , as i made it up. 

 He was talkative about an experiment  which he observed during the manufacture of emergency lamps. The experiment showed him how a wireless transmission can be used for electricity. 

The effect was well versed within 50 cms of the experimental device. And he talked so much about his experiments.He seems to be a freak and who always enjoyed life. 

Though i loved going and watching the experiment myself, that was probably out of my dreams . He promised me a written account of all his experiment details. After going back to my room I think of writing to him asking for more details.....................

REGIONALISM ...Diwali at yelchenahalli....Oct 11 2005

It was a fateful Diwali day , diwali is the festival of lights, the only diwali when i was out of kerala (away from home) in the last few years

             I went to madiwala to meet Sunil in the morning. It took one hour for me to reach the place and there was no crowd on the road as it was a holiday. Our meetings always followed with a hilarious greeting and a friendly hug. We had long talks ,matters ranged from jobs to the sunday brigade road collection.We had a great lunch that day from a malayalee hotel with payasam and pappadam.  

          Great thing indeed when one sees the traditional food in a place  which is much away from home.

          Surfed the net after a long gap of 11 days. Now a days i check for mails from my uncle and keep updating my resume . There are various  sites like naukri.com, monster.com that guaranty a reply with  details of job chances in select cities which you might have opted for (though the  chances of an interview depends on the candidate ) if we apply with them. 

               But surfing from a net cafe is not comfortable when you have long personal mails to read and reply to.Well its another of a dream that most people like me have to have a net connection of our own. I feel the dream too strong when i search for a net cafe.

...

..

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Finally i could spot one after a long search in the after noon,It was a Sify mail center in the TM Layout .The customary processes flow. Then all mails read .(One mail content : They seem to come to kerala the next month). Once the mail and inbox is over then the usual few sites, surfed a few of them . 

          I called up mom to wish

 them a happy diwali , mom was at home.Pyaroo was nt there. He has gone to kollam for the bone submerging ceremony at varkala(varkala is a beach in kerala near trivandrum ) early in the morning, aji and the family have gone for it. As i was nt there they called up pyaroo.(pyaroo is my brother).

 ...

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         Had to get back to  my room for the night ,it was in yelchenahalli (its a place in the outskirts of bangalore). I reached my room in the evening and retired to bed as soon as i reached the room. 

...

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      Tonight at night 9 00, something strange happened . I was returning after having my dinner. The joy of getting to a hotel in this remote place was there on my face still after one hour. Suddenly a group of men ,well built and drunk , there were a five  of them approached me from behind. Two of them came to me and stopped me, by holding me on the shoulders. I was unaware of anything as it was dark. But the night sky was full of lights and noise of crackers that lit the far background as if diwali was limited to that part of the city.

More than a usual day, diwali day talks and walks made me tired.  like me.

  They started hitting me badly, i never knew why the hell on the earth they should hit a guy...........

I was hit all over my body, i was slapped and kicked. My shouts for mercy were not loud enough to clear the Diwali cracker's busrting .

 For a moment i thought that they are going to steal away the valuables i had.I took out my wrist  watch and my purse.I offered them too, but i was getting the blows. 

 But it was something else ...

  They warned not  to speak in Hindi , Only in kannada ... They warned me "only kannada"

and warned me a couple of times..

...

..

.

i lay there for about an hour in the middle of the road, as chance would have it ,somebody just caught  sight of me and he offered me a helping hand.

  

After the great diwali , i had a rest for 2 days at my room. The room at yelchenahalli will never fade of from my memory.

  Was that the sign of regionalism thats been spreading in our country. I have heard that people in major cities like Mumbai and Bangalore have become more suspicious of domiciles  of other 

states. Well there are serious issues that fire up such disputes in the hearts of people. One of the major problem could be related to the dwindling job opportunities in a state when immigrant population increases in number and grab existing jobs. The result is a resentment in the local population , when they find that opportunities for them become scarce not because there are lesser opportunities but because they feel ...................

How technology has changed........

Irony is everything .........

........... some ironies in life.....hmm........ are realities 

I myself  am in dilemma , its always difficult to categorize yourselves, and that is left to others, those onlookers who watch you from  all pervading directions. Each event of conversation is as important as the previous one. Lots of lessons to be learnt from each of them. I might at times classify myself into no category because i might be afraid of the consequences. Sometimes our expectations are too much , beyond our reach so much so that they shatter and dwindle to nothing in front of us.

I am afraid of consequences because they always brought failures.To be associated with a failure or a no good is as good as being dead. Association may not be symbolic but straight forth. Such an association or associations demoralize  the high spirits of a yearning man. Infact , a failure is that we all (including me.... sounds ironic) would like to eradicate, if possible eliminate completely from this world. Ironically i too agree that i too that.

......................

When talking about irony,everything is irony is a right way of  explaining it.

 One example of an irony...

                  If somebody is speaking to us,when we get a 'ego' feeling . We may not care about other's being overridden  by the self feeling. it would be an enchanting experience for us which we would love to continue experiencing. At the most what we do is to pretend nodding or hearing. You may not always know the reactions felt by the speaker , but sometimes they feel the err but may not react at all. 

                 The speaker who continues his conversation without losing his interest is totally fooled by us.He is unaware of the isolation which is slowly created between him and the listener. Sometime people crack their ego when they understand the folly. Others take it otherwise.

                 There are important questions to be answered in this regard. Some may take it too close to their heart, some hurt and yet others don't care. 

•                  Was the speaker a fool all by himself who continues the                                                  conversation even after finding the loss of interest in the listener?
•                  Suppose the listener is a n adamant person, what should the listener do?
  
•                  Is it always possible for good listeners to be 'good listeners' ?
  
•                  How do we differentiate the hurt and the unhurt speaker?
  

           

..............I once told my mother,"Mom,winning is not so much of brain, but its a play

of confidence."

                 "Where do u get it from?" her anxious ironical question, i had no reply.

...

..

.

.......... there is another incident which came to my mind.....

 

                                       Somehow music is my life, it (music) sublimes my thoughts for more time than any other feeling. Of course  i could not satisfy my hungry soul with music due to the fear at home....... They hate my love for arts......

    So once and everytime i am hurt .......i am hurt like any other human being....... and its a feeling that i keep to myselves.... once i am hurt i keep my-selves to a cocoon ... with the sensitivity of the snail's feelers .......

   I then sit quiet in my room mostly, thinking and ............ one day during the rainy season, lots of moths come out from the earth once it starts raining, a moth came to my room. The moth had lost its wings , when i was writing. The room had an old shabby table which i made of . Mostly the table will be covered with an old saree , and the few dust laden books lie around,  and a table lamp will be kept lit when it got dark outside. Sometimes the evening air is moist due to rains...

 during the monsoon, it was a kerosene fueled lamp which will light up my room during the nights when there wont be any power for days....

 The moth flew upto the hot lamp and got burnt little by little , every time. It continues this without much hesitation and makes closer crashes with the yellow flame which flickered and  swayed with  the wing flaps of the moth... and a burnt smell spread once in a while.. It (moth) disappeared into the dark beyond the table  after tiring itself.

     The moth really never understands the loss of wings. Even after  losing the wings , it crawls restlessly. Trying to reach the bulb of the flame once again. I think of doing it some help by taking it closer to the flame, but suddenly decline. Will  it not be help but cruelty ?

  The moth loves getting burnt by the lamp flame unto death, but how can i digest it ?

When did the moth feel hurt ........ was it hurt when i tried to move it away from the flame or when it burnt itself...................

  

Oh the rains... the smell of the rain comes to my mind,..

The feeling of love ........when she asked me where are you now ,i said i was waiting for the rains to come back...

hmm ...........its raining right now........ i wish ki it rains so heavily and washes away those years of my life,flood and suffocate to kill those years from again coming back..... but now the rains are more happier and Ah ! the smell of them is so tingly...........
what did u dream yesterday........she asked me

And i dreamt of her in the rains...............

     She was first afraid to get wet in the rain and nodded whenever i called her...........