Daffodils....She sits thinking .....

She found a kind of inertia in moving about coolly in studies,those seem to be the only time pass for her . But spending time on studies was a major problem.The start is a bit of a mental hurdle.
She used to think about what happened as if it were a irepairable damage. If you look closely you could find her eyes getting ready to drip ,with the first ball of tears ready to trip... When she pulled her muscle of the face to hide her feelings and .........................
Its a plausible feeling which enables me to wonder. She may be lost in her world.The book s lay opened in the vicinity,not far away is a clock that made the least sound but it did not bother her and nor was it bothered.They sat together face to face but in two different worlds.
No sound could be heard.If we can hear whats in her mind , there may be a lot of noise in her silent mind,which die inside her for the want of a life. Some voices are too strong they take us to a different world ,
and then the clock struck 12,bleeping to remind that her presence was not alone.
A awe generation of some inner symphony.But for the flow of certain thoughts brain activity is at its lowest.
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She opened the drawer and took out a card. Again she droops back into the seat. A telephone call woke her up from a nap in the afternoon.

His first ceremonial ....

I Heard my friend's father sending public interest complaints and editorials to newspapers etc.Since it was related to writing i could but not keep irresisted. An oppurtunity was there when i went to him(at his home) .He talked about Old age problems.One can never avoid hearing his critic remarks on politicians. His file was a good collection of papers which ranged from personal to public petitions.
In the meticulously arranged papers, there was a one which was of great importance. It is with regard to the """""""""...................which caught my attention.
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It was made a great ceremony of . The fisrt drink ,symbolic of transformation of a man into a alcoholic.But He knew that he wont go to that extent, he knew it.It was a sort of tasting experiment ,in a matter of time , he too would break the innocence of being a nerd and a boor , transforming himself into a sophisticated modern geek. The venue was fixed. The drinks were fixed.Different varieties and the corresponding prices were tallied. A decision was finally taken by """""""".....
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He remebered that it was a day of collecting his marklists.

Crush over a girl....27-02-2002

How does one feel the crush?
Crush on a girl. Does she become different from all others. Everything about her makes my world so beautiful.Not less her thought.How do you go crazy for her? Well the moment you look at her, does the heart beat faster.Eye gleam with bashfulness,drowned in expectations.Nothing comes on tongue but mind full of words. Its like being the biggest fool !!

Resolutions and everytime........

Every time I make resolutions, real and daring ones , sometimes they seem that identity of work and time management are my birthrights.Everytime ,these are the very resolutions that are beyond my expected delays and human errors,I never take into account.Both virtuality and reality ironically form the same face.Simply the actions never match words.And it is a comfort that soothes me, to sometimes make my mind that i too can be resolute. So everytime i break all my resolutions, its as natural as creating it ,even though not at once but gradually.Everytime a compromise is reached , bitter concessions are given rooms.Everytime the resolutions to keep away from resolutions is taken , but that too very often is broken.

After this much drama , i come to know my weakness and failures.A pin point plan is made keeping in mind every aspect of my mistakes and wrongs.At some sudden surge of emotions these very determinations mould themselves into solid resolutions. Unknowingly.As usual everytime this again meets the dead end gutter, everytime all resolutions die only to reincarnate themselves.

We appreciate changes that bring goodness to us, planning a great day ahead , or a dream that our day should be like , we appreciate any small happiness. Because at any time , squared in our mind is the feeling of being happy.

Next day ...

Morning is the best part of the day. I dont believe there can be a day without a morning.

Diary note, 2005 August 7..

Happy Birthday 'arun',
Pyaroo sent me a card like everytime, this time too. And the usual message "Aap hamesha khush rahna , bhaiyya" at the bottom line, made me really happy. I still remember getting cards from him. ....its been a source of happiness, to know that this day was not just important to me but to him too, to know that he instills confidence in me, to know that i can be a hero to him. Sometimes i think he is so confident about that he starts believing that i can do things . I am reading his card...
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My note for the day, "I need a friend who likes me the way i am , who loves me the way i am right now whatever it is, and not love me for what i can become in the future. Because i know if i have a friend , i will like and love them for what they are now, because that friend is precious to me than what that friend can do or will do ."
I always have questions in my mind ,questions like whether i make it ? Anyday is a day of hope,because with the morning comes the hope of a new beginning ,with all my frustrations dead down , my mind is calm and fresh. I may make friends , but then ......................................

How can a news transform my friend into the

Finally Blessey called me to end a long cold war between us. He took the initiative to break the ice. The news which he gave was to make things more brighter in his life. He is getting married, on the 20th August 2007. i must say here that this news is totally surprising and has popped up almost unexpectedly but with an ease of a graceful event.Thats his attitude. The thing came up so swiftly that he had no time to think about but to act. He seems satisfied...i learnt that being happy is a state of mind. One has to feel the happiness inside. but most often we only tend to be ignorant and act too smart. How often we suffered together.
I hope he still talks about Herbalife. Then we used to have episodes of fun based on herbalife. I still remember having gone to .............Well there are more episodes that should be added to spectrum. Spectrum life and my friends. I hate my college and the university. In those years of my life, if i had a choice i would have never chosen to study for a Degree. I hate them who take the onus of producing engineers. I dont have the slightest respect for the word , Education. Its like the ..........
Spectrum had more good thing to offer .

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I must strongly come out of shell of depressive cover, but i have seen destroyed lives all gathered together gasping for air and life.That part of my life ,i think i put it at Stake........I hate that life which screwed and made an ass out of me. People stood up only to kick at me ... I love myself as much i hate them who were acquainted at the Techniical Unversity.... A worst experience which seeds in me to germinate the strongest of vengeance in an innocent soul..

How can I Adjust to circumstances?

I don’t know why this topic intrigues me so much.It’s all so important to research about. Psychology, mental illness, burnouts are topics that became food for my thoughts.Let me talk to myself and a thousand meanings are conveyed. I love myself, Infact I must say I started to love myself. Somewhere when I was very young ,when my inner self was growing up sooner than my outer body, I was never sure who I was. I would look at children play and dust around in the summer of north India. years to that scene have been added but they remain in my mind like unhealed wounds.

Nobody can be a good friend to me as I would be to me.

I make this world my world when I am there. It was this way for years. But today things have began to change. Winds of change.
Why would anybody be so much interested in his childhood , when it was a grim thing that almost bled every part of it. Recollecting it ,to understand my adolescence helps me find answers to questions that arise in our society.Why was I down with a rattling list of negatives. Might be the consequences of acquaintances that I made , were torments that i could not bear anymore.

When parents attribute their losses , grief to their spouses and children, who feel that they have not any meaning to life compared to their counterparts , it starts a psychological break up.

I perceived a different world ever since my childhood, my perception might have been so different from what might have been normal to most that it almost developed a entirely new dimension of thoughts for me.

i could imagine one day a kid came to me and said , Can you see my world through my eyes ? I perceived the verbal and non verbal abuses ever since my childhood. Then the child grows in an environment , where appreciation and encouragement have no meaning there.

I was perceiving the world from my view point as if a person can visualize things and situations from different viewpoints. and i had much to get influenced by words and letters, that they became an important part of life. I started reading the great books of the past , learning the skills of a good reader. i had spent my prime years in desolation confined to a single closed room. Then there was this urge in me to explore in me a person who dreams of seeing the outside world, and plunders the wonders of nature in its unlimited manifestation, without inhibition, like the nascent feelings of a young boy who saw the amusements of a festival just after he was freed from a long hard work. My findings of a fewer realities in the childishness of a person made me realize one thing. Which i then thought could be of much importance in life.But i will talk about it later in the day.

A written testimonial for a friend ..........

Catching a glimpse of your own greatness can be one of the most unsettling experiences imaginable. And even more disturbing is the awareness of the tremendous challenges that await you if you accept it. Living consciously is not an easy path, but it is a uniquely human experience, and it requires making the committed decision to permanently let go of that mouse within you. Going after your greatest and most ambitious dreams and experiencing failure and disappointment, running butt up against your most humbling human limitations instead of living with a comfortable padding of potential - these fears are common to us all.

"We are grateful for the smallest of merries. We were glad when there was time to delouse before going to bed, although in itself this was no pleasure as it meant standing naked in an unheated hut where icicles hung from the ceiling."