yesterday....

when i was in the ATM , a lady came into it with a child in her lap.she looked sweaty and tired.She was crying and requesting for help.The child was quiet and her forehead bubbled with drops as her skin darkened with the hot sun burning her.She might have thought its a shop so entered it for alms.I turned at her and shouted,"Hey You get out of here, this is not a shop: The security guy will pick you up" .I was probably in a lost mind as she was ...

Feel of a..

i was single for most of my years. .....
My body feels like melted wax as I prepare for entering her, peacefully drifting into her."“Oh, baby, where were you for so many years” Silence falls an hour later. The inner turmoil of my single status leads to a troubled sleep.

Neena had a talk with Jo...

When we are insecure we feel a need to be in control.

when anyone is feeling depressed, self-destructive and suicidal they have a wide variety of unmet emotional needs...

He called her after a long gap of 2 years. There were emotions and sentiments that needed

expolsions. She too had the burst of love for him.
But bringing the true emotions out and displaying them was not that easy for him. He knew she loved

him truly and deeply.
" I need my piece of peace in HP ,when i lost it after losing you "

hmm

I had a very heavy lunch today after a long time. I was happy to be with my brother at the lunch time.though there is nothing like the formal dining room in our home, we use a part of our kitchen as the dining area. Its very easy to reaarange the area and put a chair with a table , make shift and share the food.
I had eaten too much and talked too much.Too much food after a long time ...
I was sick and felt like vomiting after an hour.I put out everything in a split second , and the gush of bile and undigested food came out like a tornado. He suddenly started rubbing an ointment on my back/to caress my back to relieve my pain.Mom was shouting from the verandah,"What happened? He is always weak, go get some pudina for him".
"Yeah ! I will go"
Brother rushed to the medic store to bring Pudina water.
Meanwhile i was feeling relaxed but weak.
"Bring the red chillies and pepper, should be a bad omen" said my father.
Mom went and brought a earthen pot with a hot cinders smoking some incense to thurify the room.
She was chanting some mantras( Divine hymns) when she moved her closed fists around my head,continously for some time. Then she threw the pepper and red chillies into the fire in the pot.The mustards cracked ane she said looking at me,"some times evils eye on you ,your body portended to that".
"Now you should be okay , my child!"
They had to clean the mess i created,while i was resting in an old broken chair where the smoke was still coming up below it.
She brought the pudina water and gave me a sip.I refuted ,"Momma the taste is disgusting ,have i to drink it complete"
And all three of them laughing at me, She recollected how i was made to drink the nasty syrup ,during my early childhood at a local hospital. The compounder was merciless and he clasped my chin and dumped the syrup into my mouth.
"still the same kiddie with the frowned face at the sight of the hospital or medicines, hmmm "

Streets of cochin

Ronnie was terrified yesterday after the incident....

Hey !! never feel sad …but I know its difficult ..serikkum paranjaal … sad aakunathil thettu onnumilla…
If u feel like crying then cry … if u sad then be sad …. Pakshe its all with u ..aareyum convince cheyyenda avasyamilla …u r the boss..u decide …
Pinne ente kaaryam njaan aarodeyum onnum parayarilla … kurachokke mukhathu kaanaam .. ennaalum ellaam keep it inside ..bcos our feelings nobody cares.. reason is very rare people can devote time for u ..pinne cheythaal thanne they may not understand…

Is Love a circle?

...
Why did she say True love is like a circle? What was there in her mind ?
The extremities of love can be so stretched that involves mind and soul longing to meet them. Often we would want to live this life in our way. How beautiful it would be to live this life with someone you love and have everything submitted .
She felt him in every moment of life. Her life saw a beautiful turn with this relation. Everything seems so positive now and happiness returned after a long break. Some of the bad memories of a lost relation started to diminish and vanish.
Now she rarely speaks of her past.

Once they were discussing about relations a few months back. Then she used to talk about her fling,one whom she loved so much. They had a close relation. She would talk about how he impressed her. Often Jo ,as she called him with love, would come in between their talk.
...
..
.
People come to our life for a season or for a reason or for a lifetime. Some relations revolve a whole lifetime.
...
..
.
Why do we fear losing someone whom we love?
We feel suffocated and strangled at the mere thought of losing somebody we love. Its the worst feeling that can happen to us when we are in a true love.
.............. Time stood still there in front of Viv , like a huge monster.He used to go through the lovely moments of love they spent together when he was alone. He knew the monster knew nothing but devour the prey. He wondered whom can he talk it out
too. He was filling with emotions.
In his solitude , he would talk to her. She would reply nothing but listen to him. He would talk like a mad man to the walls. He murmured louder when he became engrossed with her. And suddenly stop whenever someone passes by, and prove that he is normal.
When he was preparing the bed yesterday night a small stroke of breeze moved the curtains and swayed them. It was as if she had come there....
Memories of a day they spent together last year came to him fresh... it was the most beautiful gift that she could have given him.

...
..
.

Welcome to the Hotel Ariyas

Whenever we play the Eagle's "Hotel California" in my room ,samosi starts talking about the Hotel Ariyas in Cochin.
We even made a small parody and sing that during once in a blue moon.
And we start ........"Welcome to the Hotel ARIYAs,
Any time of the year
You can pay for water here
What a sad surprise !!!!!!!"
Hahahahaha ............ the atmosphere gets charged up within seconds. And samosi seems to be the most happy man in our band.
But that day at the Hotel Ariyas , samosi felt really bad and screwed up.
"Why do i need to pay for the water ?" asked samosi. Mira also said the same, but he was afraid to shout. But Samosi made some noise.
"Dosa ,Chaai and water" Samosi read out the Bill. Samosi is a japanese.
At the cash counter the cashier was arguing with him,"kerala people like water,then
Samosi actually contiinued arguing ... he was right , they had charged him for the water too.
but the cashier simply kept on smiling .
Thats the last time he appeared for the dinner argument . We were going to eat at the same hotel.
When my friend asked me ,"hey boss! Whats up ? You look so down ! "
I knew that what my inner mind had ,came out on my face and it manifested. I could never prevent the outflow of thoughts on to my face.
"You seem to have lost a lot of weight too"
"Hmm... he is blogging always ! Might be thats why? Dont we need a lot of enegry to blog...Hahahahahaha..." joined another friend of mine. We met after a dinner in a local restaurant near our stay. Hotel Ariyas . It provides cheaper food and we usually make it out there whenever we don't cook.
"He keeps thinking for the blog ... so might be he doesnt get the time to eat properly ..."
"and think a lot these days.. i think"
"look at me " he was trying to cheer me up " show happiness on your face at least now"
"its been long since we met , and what happened in all these days..."
"and you were not gloomy at all , and now you look so dull"
I smiled as if i was learning how to smile,"Hey ! nothing happened"

Will Neena meet Viv ...Tears of stream ...

When my friend asked me ,"hey boss! Whats up ? You look so down ! "
I knew that what my inner mind had ,came out on my face and it manifested. I could never prevent the outflow of thoughts on to my face.
"You seem to have lost a lot of weight too"
"Hmm... he is blogging always ! Might be thats why? Dont we need a lot of enegry to blog...Hahahahahaha..." joined another friend of mine. We met after a dinner in a local restaurant near our stay. It provides cheaper food and we usually make it out there whenever we don't cook.
"He keeps thinking for the blog ... so might be he doesnt get the time to eat properly ..."
"and think a lot these days.. i think"
"look at me " he was trying to cheer me up " show happiness on your face at least now"
"its been long since we met , and what happened in all these days..."
"and you were not gloomy at all , and now you look so dull"
I smiled as if i was learning how to smile,"Hey ! nothing happened"

I know one thing for sure now. In life there is no phase called free, if i feel that i got a hurdle right now then i might feel that s the most important and the final one. I decide to focus on it and dream the life thereafter with the non existence of that hurdle. I work on to finish it off, where the whole world might seem to end with the most sure treasure to be handed over.
But then life has to go on , as soon as i finish the hurdle.i find the next one ... hurdle
..........
sometimes my inabilities are so big that they swollen up and blown up bigger than external hurdles .... but the pace of life is a constant one. But life is merciless
it has no sense of regrets even after destroying my happiness. It still smiles at me , is that the sense of loss that makes me sad. or it the thought of the long life without them...


A TRUE STORY

Lemme tell you the story of my friend Viv and neena. Neena worked in a huge commercial city but away from her native.She had a great liking to come back and settle in her native . She wanted a peaceful life and she was much settled into her job. Around the start of the new year , neena meets a guy called Viv in the orkut, going through his profile. Viv worked in their native. After a long sentimental pause in her life ,she was about to meet a guy who would change her from what she was. She has been through the blues of a love ,one year back. They were together for a couple of years.She loved him but their she never found what the true she was looking for.
"This was the first time in my life when i felt a value for myself , for a period of time I felt important and good for someone. I never valued myself ,and it was there on my face. " Viv told me after i met him in the coffee house for a tea.
They had a talk and it seems life's put a lot of challenges to them before they can unite. It is unbearable to lose somebody after learning that you are helpless.
I had a very busy day in the office so a cup of tea in the evening refreshed me a lot. A story over a cup of tea is the best thing I can have.
"But today my tears have come back!" ,he was sipping on and gazed into my eyes as if looking for an answer.
"hmm ! Why viv" , i knew it. I knew when i was in the university, to have lost a person would mean the loss of this world. You cry like a helpless destitute ,a child whose mother has just gone missing.
"My tears were waiting for a comeback. For the past six months they could never wet me completely. They tried but couldn't. But today, they wet my soul. I am alone again. suddenly, all of a sudden I am alone. " ,he was true. He will be indeed alone.


"She said, she is crying and wet her pillow, it was all because of me." he was talking about neena.
"But, she may, never understand my pain" .
"No viv, you are wrong..she can easily understand.If i could then she will for sure" , i whispered to me in my mind.
"because, as usual, I used to eat away my pain. I became silent after years, probably after three years, in these three years, I chirped lot. As if my soul is dead. I was dead three years back to. I struggled really hard for a comeback!!!"
he was never interested in the tea now.
I know him very well, he talks and chirps like a chatterbox. But when sad he goes into a cocoon, and never comes out.

"I need a patient ear to listen to my story. "
"I am here , i got time today tomorrow is a leave"


...
..
.
I noticed something about his dress. It looked shabby and smelly too. But i never bothered to ask him.
"It was first day in my office here that I came with the same dress which I was sleeping in. I was numb, after the call. I was like a deaf who could only hear the banging s of dance, the dancing of the wounded soul. This is what happened to me, a few years back, I could never cope up with my frustrations, and was thrown back and back..." I think he understood from looks and started telling what happened in the office.

"As my friend rightly told me,You are not made for this world. How many times yaar,
I don't know why i make people cry."
"You never make anybody cry, i know you make everybody laugh" i knew him well.
"hmm ..."
"He is the guy who ate up every sorrow from rising and never show it up on the face.He would be appreciating people even when he lost the game. He would like to spend the last moment of his happiness even when he was pick pocketed just a few moments back.And they think he is the most happy man and never share, his sorrows he was alone ", i told to myself.
...
..
.

I was so engrossed in his story that i forgot about an appointment with Dr Arun. I was almost late ,but my cell phone started ringing. "How crap " I got angry at the cell. But it was the appointment call. We are so packed up in our lives that emotions and feelings have no place in our lives.
"One sec ,Viv "
"Hmmm......" he stopped.
i felt bad to break his conversation.
"hey ,I got to go right now and be back in the room after 30 minutes. We meet up there and continue the talks", i was almost out at the reception paying the bills.
"sure , i will be n yr room after 30 minutes"
"see ya , then take care"
And we were off for a short break.


Viv walked alone in the streets for a while and he recollected the chat lines with neena ,"I drink too much of water, more than 2.5 liters of water a day, that's why I cry so much, my eyes are full of water every time."
"hahahahaha...." her reply came in.
"we are so emotional..." she typed in.
They would chat for hours after they reach home. It was a meeting time and they dated everyday.
It was a busy and a dark street he was walking with loads of thinking working tiresomely in his mind's workshop. Its the devil's workshop...
"But life has got something else in store for us ....
we will be close friends for ever ... closer than ever friends had been ... " he said to himself..

"The rains were heavy and pour tons of water , the rain gods cried finally , they were waiting for us to cry. "she shouted over the phone.
She called me in the morning. I could hear rain bashing down heavily in the background ...
But Gods are merciless they never have emotions. They never feel sad and happy.......
..
.
...
After 30 minutes we met at my room to resume the talk...
we got the dinner ready ,from a nearby hotel.
Thought of having it while we talked.

"I promised her a come back."
"Apart from the sorrow and the sadness i have , today i am happy for her .
Today i may be sad , but my gratitude for the bigger happiness she has given me.
My most valuable accomplishment after this relation is that I’ve reached a point in my life where i live very, very consciously. Each day will have a purpose . Each day of my life will be filled with meaning and purpose and gratitude. I enjoy a deep sense of inner peace and joy. Today i can promise myself ,I am unafraid to take action and to fail."

"i dont know if i can come back in life, you know am still struggling " ,he has the one round ball of tear ,shaping up in the corner of his eyes.
i knew he was right... We all struggle to put an end to the struggles. But they all never seem to end.
TO CONTINUE...........
....
I have the deepest feeling of love for her ...

Every Boss has a Day !

Every once in a while at the office, there will be an incident that makes Heroes..today the hero is our boss ... 16th June 2008 ...

Let me tell you what happened in the morning ,We all stood up to show our respect when he bumped into our hall ,that was the usual presentation also called the "meeting of the Day" by the Office. It took place at 09 30 AM IST, whenever it took place.

"Hello Friends" and he comes out of his cabin shouting. Mind you its 'Hello friends' and not 'hell of
friends' that he says , thank God in the morning.

"Today we have a new friend who joins us here"

"Please welcome Ms Mahagomi Our new japanese friend , who joins us today " ... and the usual blah blah blah ...
Suddenly the power goes off.. and there is pin drop silence as the fans stop their noise ... Now his voice was clear and
squeaky ,his tone changed as the fans stopped slowly...He felt insulted when the lights were gone ... but poor guy smiled
and exclaimed loudly "Mahagomy..." ... Ms Mahagomi is very shy and blushes ,She might have felt nervous looking at so
many indians together.she might have had great respect for indians especially after meeting our boss.
"i hope you all will take care of mahogomy and take her into your team, please welcome her" his quota of words finished.

" now mahagomy will say a few words of introduction. Come mahagomy , please say something about
yourselves..."

...
..
.
After the brief introduction and induction , mahagomy sat next to me. She was wondering why the hell indian ACs are not
working efficiently" . After a long wait ,the power did come.
Now there was another major ceremony of the day, inaugurating the Swipe card reader in our office.
And the boss was actually waiting for the 'return of power'.

...
..
.

"Hello friends" he ran out of his cabin, most people who faced him suddenly started to minimize the
orkut and chat windows. Unlucky guys like me need a much better chance and its a habit to turn our head around to spot him
before opening my favourite windows.
"Today we are going to introduce the card reader ", he said showing the white card in
his hand raising it so that all can see it.Then he went near the card reader to show us how it worked....His swipe was in
the Name tag which he hung on his neck.. so swiping the card would mean he has to bend his neck and move his face towards the swipe machine.
He did this for 5 -6 times during the demo of "How to use the Swipe card?" Poor guy He never thought it will be hard work for him too, now he never talk about the Card Reader again."All of you are welcome to put your comments and if you have any suggestions ,please tell it to the administrator. I think we can work together to improve our company , so that it benefits the society , which will improve the state and the country."
"hahahaa.. .." most of us laughed but it dint come out too much ...
After she made a round in the office ,introducing each of us , it was time for a break ,may be we call it the Unofficial Tea break ! The boss ordered that none should drink tea in the coffee room (hahahaha How does one drink tea in the coffee room any way? Huh It should be Tea Room...right)during the morning session .
"If you want to drink tea I have no problems only thing is that you take the Cup and come inside to drink."
"We dont allow tea break in the morning !"
This order was passed two months ago during a similar meeting. From then people have
reduced the visits to coffee room. I still remember , there was one incidence regarding the number of coffee vended out by the machine. He used to count the number of coffee made in a week by noting the readings in the Machine.
Then he found that on an average an employee drinks around 5 cups of coffee a day. Hmmm ......

There will be incidences of this type in any organization which will be fun and lighter to share , employees get together in spare time to crack jokes and share these moments

Ironical....but these are the few methods that help us cope up with the psychological stress that is developed at the work place. Sharing can be so much fun.Each employee has an experience which is so personal to him/her of his working environment.They start developing feelings about the work. An idea about the collective feelings the employees have is a good measure of the work culture in the organization. Its another of a topic to analyze and discuss, we do it when we get time...........

i still remember drinking Tea in the beginning When i joined the company. Then used to be a party atmosphere during the Tea time . But a few months later purchase of tea was stopped . Few people like me who prefer tea to coffee had to look for alternative sources of tea, though i still remember having tried drinking coffee but further allergies prevented me from more coffee...
...
Learning the Japanese language was another topic of fun and interest we loved to have. Every year new teachers are recruited from japan for teaching us japanese. Its not just the language but the culture as well that s imparted during this training.Learning it for the first time was fun and the strangeness of their art and dexterity of their craft made us wonder.
Mahagomy will come at 5 00 PM to call us for classes.
...
..
.

During the japanese classes , we are able to express our doubts ......

....
..
.
SLEEP

Afternoon times are the most funny ,,, the power of sleep sweeps almost all of us. Some employees just doze off without much effort and get up after a quick fall , a sharp jerk , sometimes the mouse falls down like what happened with me last week... How helpless we are that we feel so ugly after opening the eyes after a satisfying official nap, there are incidences where we start dreaming even ... is that day dreaming about people whom we love ... a better job ... a better pay and the wishful fantasies
dream about a beautiful dance with the beloved one. She will dance with the elegance and grace which will never pull you out of it , whereas the boss comes fron the behind somewhere and stands behind you checking for what happened.He may be cunning and may keep a watchful eye on you or wait for your sleep to break ...
once that happened last week one of our colleagues was sleeping in the morning itself, i guess it was a monday morning and no wonder almost all of them were sleepy... guess the reason 'they all came from home'. he was sleeping and was unaware of the boss , who was standing next to him.
Boss asked, "hey Fo! whassup ... what you are doing in the project right now" .But Fo was deep in sleep , unaware of the boss next to him.Suddenly boni came up between them and shook fo. "Hmmm, ah whats up!"
"Bony ,what are u doing?" Boss asked boni.
"Sir , iam trying to wake up Fo" bony was shaking fo.
"I am not asking that , i want to know the current position of our project"

"Oh ok! Its current position is with Fo ,Sir"
Suddenly he wanted to know if the documentation was over or not,"Will u call BP , where is he?" BP is an expert in documentation.But BP was on leave....
BP is like doing all crazy stuff ... Then Baby is the designer who is all very important in designing the sites and any page...
...
..

.
hahahaha fantasies increase when the workload is too much, they are like stress busters...

there are many who feel embarrassed after a sudden fall..especially just after the lunch break ... some do play prank on people who are victims to sleep... a well earned sleep during the working hours is more valuable than the sleep at night....
Some develop methods of sitting straight and elegant even when enjoying a official sleep.

The inmates of St Joseph's Leper Home ..........

They have been coming here for the past one  and a half years , two of the inmates come everytime. I met them six or seven times in the past one year. I still remember the first time when they came here .It was the first week of February , just after i joined the company here. They had a plastic cover with them which had one side transparent. The necessary certificates to prove that they are the original  inmates of the Leper home were with them. I had a look at them , they normally come in the morning time and i will be busy  for the office. I always wanted to have a talk with them and share their experiences. But there visit is often unpredicted and mostly i forget. I am so happy when they said 'Hi' to me. I felt like the most happy man. Its difficult to make them happy who live in misery. We all live in a different world , where our concerns are no longer our basic needs .

We all live and struggle for vanities. 

   But i could see the instinct in them for the struggle for survival. 

One of them holds the receipt book and he talks more,but  in his  broken malayalam. They  are basically tamil. He shouted at my first sight with a real energy, "Vanakkam sir!".

 I knew i was happy to see them and that my day will be good. 

" Namaskaram " I replied

" Its been long........" i asked.................

1 March 2002..................

            The days are arid and windy ,  especially during the morning the winds blow very fast. Most of the coconut trees in the area have their leaves turned to the west because of the continuous winds for three months. These strong winds blow from the east to the west forcing the leaves and the plants to bend to the west along with the wind.

Staying in an arid climate means extra strain on the body . Extreme climatic conditions is often very punishing .

But evenings i would prefer to walk with ram when the breeze is calm and the temperature is  low enough to soothe the body. There are the usual temple chants that linger and envelope the evenings  till i reach ram's residence. Evening s are prayer times in the temples when devotees gather up for a Darshan(Darshan means the Holy view of the Deity [Idol of the God] in the temple for which the devotees gather up inside a temple) .  I normally prefer to have the Darshan in the morning when the crowd is less and the atmosphere is very calm with stillness of the morning air. But here in this part the mornings are often too windy. Which makes me miss the morning temple visits  in my home town.  I was thinking about so many things when i walk.

hmmm........

People make it up for the evening , some do shopping , some meet friends , some walk like me . You can see a lot of people once in a while when i pass the junctions. 

I pass the streets slowly . I wont do it often , but i love walking in  the cooler evenings of the summer season  . Its a different feeling to walk. If you walk alone you make up for you own world and your imagination brings in characters whom you love to interact with.

But if you are with somebody you may always have the physical confidence of a partner with you. Thats how i strengthen relations , a walk can make a difference....

...

..

.

    Ram's (Ram is a close friend of mine) calling me sissy for all reasons. He ,it seems that, is annoyed by my behavior. I would normally annoy everybody ,even surprisingly myself.  Ironically he called me a good man and added  a cliche that I am not a person made for this place. According to him ,I am not made for anything wrong. "People make you a fool,why not?" He says often. In fact it gives me a widening answer  too. I say to myself,"Think about it!!"

   He got angry ,"You are like a girl !" . I didnt get him. "You take revenge like a jealous girl, feel bad for every reason" ,ram opened up.

   

  "They cry for all reasons, you too do the same". Met ram in the evening. Wanted to drink a tea from his home. But he refused and said that we have a tea from olavakkode.  Well he seems to be troubled and behaved very polish and formal. We were walking together but he never faced my face even once . I used to put the topics when we ran out of them, I was talking about the Gujarat Violence. "Gujarat violence is deepening ,both the communities are heading for a tussle of war" He would walk straight without paying attention to what i said. It was as if I had the prerogative to continue the talk as long as we had the walk.

  "Hey what do you say about the All India Strike?" I asked him

"Its good " he said

  When you find that the days are going past hay ward but nothing works out. Its like weeks pass by easily but to pass the day is a gigantic task

 I put the Wishcraft exercises with sunil . Thanks to sunil,  he helped me get the food. Yesterday after 4 pm ,he left for home. I was sitting all alone there at spectrum, its the lodge name where we stayed.

 Doing nothing at all, I found plenty of time. I hate it. Some works should keep you occupied. That keeps you mentally active. I dreamt about what happened yesterday during the lulls in our walk. Sometimes i even day dream during our walk, i start visualizing a happy and a satisfying future.

 Walked in the Olavakkode street with my friend, Ram, till late night . Having left with no money, I slept without any food . This happened for the next four days. I knew the hypocrisy 

behind my acts.

 ...

,

The next morning I got up too early, without food the sleep system seems to fail everytime to fill its course. Its even harder to go into sleep when your tummy is empty. I sometimes .......

..

..

I was thinking about a guy called Cherian , whom  i met in the train last week. Cherian is working with Toyota. He married his colleague and were working in the same department. I met him at the door of the compartment ( Bogie of the train) , where he was consoled by two men, who seemed to be his friends. He was standing in a dilemma.  After watching them I learnt that he lost his money bag , a purse containing valuable cards when he used the toilet (loo of the train). 

The purse had his ID Cards, bank cards and important numbers. It also had the keys of the company research room.  He was indeed worried . But after  about an hour's conversation , i could easily get  closer to him. 

 He was a well mannered person by temperament who loved human values and traditions more than money.He too seems to be crazy like me , as i made it up. 

 He was talkative about an experiment  which he observed during the manufacture of emergency lamps. The experiment showed him how a wireless transmission can be used for electricity. 

The effect was well versed within 50 cms of the experimental device. And he talked so much about his experiments.He seems to be a freak and who always enjoyed life. 

Though i loved going and watching the experiment myself, that was probably out of my dreams . He promised me a written account of all his experiment details. After going back to my room I think of writing to him asking for more details.....................

REGIONALISM ...Diwali at yelchenahalli....Oct 11 2005

It was a fateful Diwali day , diwali is the festival of lights, the only diwali when i was out of kerala (away from home) in the last few years

             I went to madiwala to meet Sunil in the morning. It took one hour for me to reach the place and there was no crowd on the road as it was a holiday. Our meetings always followed with a hilarious greeting and a friendly hug. We had long talks ,matters ranged from jobs to the sunday brigade road collection.We had a great lunch that day from a malayalee hotel with payasam and pappadam.  

          Great thing indeed when one sees the traditional food in a place  which is much away from home.

          Surfed the net after a long gap of 11 days. Now a days i check for mails from my uncle and keep updating my resume . There are various  sites like naukri.com, monster.com that guaranty a reply with  details of job chances in select cities which you might have opted for (though the  chances of an interview depends on the candidate ) if we apply with them. 

               But surfing from a net cafe is not comfortable when you have long personal mails to read and reply to.Well its another of a dream that most people like me have to have a net connection of our own. I feel the dream too strong when i search for a net cafe.

...

..

.

Finally i could spot one after a long search in the after noon,It was a Sify mail center in the TM Layout .The customary processes flow. Then all mails read .(One mail content : They seem to come to kerala the next month). Once the mail and inbox is over then the usual few sites, surfed a few of them . 

          I called up mom to wish

 them a happy diwali , mom was at home.Pyaroo was nt there. He has gone to kollam for the bone submerging ceremony at varkala(varkala is a beach in kerala near trivandrum ) early in the morning, aji and the family have gone for it. As i was nt there they called up pyaroo.(pyaroo is my brother).

 ...

..

.

         Had to get back to  my room for the night ,it was in yelchenahalli (its a place in the outskirts of bangalore). I reached my room in the evening and retired to bed as soon as i reached the room. 

...

..

.

      Tonight at night 9 00, something strange happened . I was returning after having my dinner. The joy of getting to a hotel in this remote place was there on my face still after one hour. Suddenly a group of men ,well built and drunk , there were a five  of them approached me from behind. Two of them came to me and stopped me, by holding me on the shoulders. I was unaware of anything as it was dark. But the night sky was full of lights and noise of crackers that lit the far background as if diwali was limited to that part of the city.

More than a usual day, diwali day talks and walks made me tired.  like me.

  They started hitting me badly, i never knew why the hell on the earth they should hit a guy...........

I was hit all over my body, i was slapped and kicked. My shouts for mercy were not loud enough to clear the Diwali cracker's busrting .

 For a moment i thought that they are going to steal away the valuables i had.I took out my wrist  watch and my purse.I offered them too, but i was getting the blows. 

 But it was something else ...

  They warned not  to speak in Hindi , Only in kannada ... They warned me "only kannada"

and warned me a couple of times..

...

..

.

i lay there for about an hour in the middle of the road, as chance would have it ,somebody just caught  sight of me and he offered me a helping hand.

  

After the great diwali , i had a rest for 2 days at my room. The room at yelchenahalli will never fade of from my memory.

  Was that the sign of regionalism thats been spreading in our country. I have heard that people in major cities like Mumbai and Bangalore have become more suspicious of domiciles  of other 

states. Well there are serious issues that fire up such disputes in the hearts of people. One of the major problem could be related to the dwindling job opportunities in a state when immigrant population increases in number and grab existing jobs. The result is a resentment in the local population , when they find that opportunities for them become scarce not because there are lesser opportunities but because they feel ...................

How technology has changed........

Irony is everything .........

........... some ironies in life.....hmm........ are realities 

I myself  am in dilemma , its always difficult to categorize yourselves, and that is left to others, those onlookers who watch you from  all pervading directions. Each event of conversation is as important as the previous one. Lots of lessons to be learnt from each of them. I might at times classify myself into no category because i might be afraid of the consequences. Sometimes our expectations are too much , beyond our reach so much so that they shatter and dwindle to nothing in front of us.

I am afraid of consequences because they always brought failures.To be associated with a failure or a no good is as good as being dead. Association may not be symbolic but straight forth. Such an association or associations demoralize  the high spirits of a yearning man. Infact , a failure is that we all (including me.... sounds ironic) would like to eradicate, if possible eliminate completely from this world. Ironically i too agree that i too that.

......................

When talking about irony,everything is irony is a right way of  explaining it.

 One example of an irony...

                  If somebody is speaking to us,when we get a 'ego' feeling . We may not care about other's being overridden  by the self feeling. it would be an enchanting experience for us which we would love to continue experiencing. At the most what we do is to pretend nodding or hearing. You may not always know the reactions felt by the speaker , but sometimes they feel the err but may not react at all. 

                 The speaker who continues his conversation without losing his interest is totally fooled by us.He is unaware of the isolation which is slowly created between him and the listener. Sometime people crack their ego when they understand the folly. Others take it otherwise.

                 There are important questions to be answered in this regard. Some may take it too close to their heart, some hurt and yet others don't care. 

•                  Was the speaker a fool all by himself who continues the                                                  conversation even after finding the loss of interest in the listener?
•                  Suppose the listener is a n adamant person, what should the listener do?
  
•                  Is it always possible for good listeners to be 'good listeners' ?
  
•                  How do we differentiate the hurt and the unhurt speaker?
  

           

..............I once told my mother,"Mom,winning is not so much of brain, but its a play

of confidence."

                 "Where do u get it from?" her anxious ironical question, i had no reply.

...

..

.

.......... there is another incident which came to my mind.....

 

                                       Somehow music is my life, it (music) sublimes my thoughts for more time than any other feeling. Of course  i could not satisfy my hungry soul with music due to the fear at home....... They hate my love for arts......

    So once and everytime i am hurt .......i am hurt like any other human being....... and its a feeling that i keep to myselves.... once i am hurt i keep my-selves to a cocoon ... with the sensitivity of the snail's feelers .......

   I then sit quiet in my room mostly, thinking and ............ one day during the rainy season, lots of moths come out from the earth once it starts raining, a moth came to my room. The moth had lost its wings , when i was writing. The room had an old shabby table which i made of . Mostly the table will be covered with an old saree , and the few dust laden books lie around,  and a table lamp will be kept lit when it got dark outside. Sometimes the evening air is moist due to rains...

 during the monsoon, it was a kerosene fueled lamp which will light up my room during the nights when there wont be any power for days....

 The moth flew upto the hot lamp and got burnt little by little , every time. It continues this without much hesitation and makes closer crashes with the yellow flame which flickered and  swayed with  the wing flaps of the moth... and a burnt smell spread once in a while.. It (moth) disappeared into the dark beyond the table  after tiring itself.

     The moth really never understands the loss of wings. Even after  losing the wings , it crawls restlessly. Trying to reach the bulb of the flame once again. I think of doing it some help by taking it closer to the flame, but suddenly decline. Will  it not be help but cruelty ?

  The moth loves getting burnt by the lamp flame unto death, but how can i digest it ?

When did the moth feel hurt ........ was it hurt when i tried to move it away from the flame or when it burnt itself...................

  

Oh the rains... the smell of the rain comes to my mind,..

The feeling of love ........when she asked me where are you now ,i said i was waiting for the rains to come back...

hmm ...........its raining right now........ i wish ki it rains so heavily and washes away those years of my life,flood and suffocate to kill those years from again coming back..... but now the rains are more happier and Ah ! the smell of them is so tingly...........
what did u dream yesterday........she asked me

And i dreamt of her in the rains...............

     She was first afraid to get wet in the rain and nodded whenever i called her...........

Some Food for thought........

A beginning marks the growth of everything , anything new. Smaller than the tiniest fraction of a second, the beginning is essential to all thinking ,all growth process. All processes have a stop where nothing of it moves further.
Its like living in the exile ,when your stomach is burning then nothing remains respected .Living with no options open is like living at somebody's mercy. Where the domination of a human being is not by his interiors , rather a suppression of it by other human beings.
Different dimensions have been assigned in the last decade for life. Doing for nothing attitude is wiped out entirely out of mind for most. Though the desire for work or action pressurises from inside, inability tumbles due to our external factors. Anybody experiencing such traumatic conditions is bound to lose confidence . He / she might even lose trust and respect for relations.
But the human force within is transcendentally strong and always springs hope eternally. The general good is achieved with much perseverance and patience. That's why the world has many good souls who work for the common good.

.....
..
.
I personally believe life is not an escape. But having an escape root is a must in some situations............
But Life is not an escape route skidding you into an endless

Walking.......

We walked as if there are no destinations that would satisfy us , but then we never bothered about the destination as long as we were together. Sometimes a walk becomes as essential to take off my inner turmoil out. Freedom from compromises , to find a place where the road never ended as long as i had the energy to walk. Freedom to express myself without words and she would undersatnd me. Yes, where she would understand me without me having to tell her.
.......
Was it walking that mattered or was it the time, the time that we spent together........
It was the time of the day that was most precious.


We kept walking with no destinations in our minds....

Unseen Love

I used to get only one off in the week and that was the Sunday. Come Sunday and I will have so much to do that I normally end up doing nothing but idling. I would be washing the piles of clothes that lay, cook up my day’s food and listen to my favorite disc in my player.
But now a days , one more schedule has been added in the day. She would call and ask me if I am free on Sundays, her call would come in the morning,"Are you free today?”she waits . I say "Not yet!"
“Any programs! Why don’t we go out together. If you don’t mind”.
She would be living with her roomy in a flat, next to the market junction. Whenever we agree for a meeting , i will normally go to her place and wait . Normally she might be ready and eagerly waiting for me at the gates.Its easy to get a taxi from there. She knew the places very well and knew exactly where the best restaurants are in town,where the sunday is best spent , where the cinema is and which language it runs the movie...Huh ,i thought of keeping quiet when the driver enquired where to go ,though i have been living here for years my world of movement was the road to my office and to the railway station. Hmmm........

She was right..........

A point that came up during our meetings was regarding her respect for money.
She kept telling me “I like money more than anything, I think it’s more valuable than humans”.
“Hmm, you know why?” She will answer it after a thought, with a lot of confidence that she gathered from her experience in the past life.
And I will be wondering, why she has to think so much…Her hazel eyes reflect and shine , deep into them is the core of her thought.
Then she would continue,”because,we can trust money more than a human. If we have money, we can do anything”.
"Anything..." i replied .
..........
As it was written in a book "Without money a man's head is always kept down thinking ,If he is got money then his head is held high".

Unseen Love..........

We went to the dancing bowl during one of the weekends. She has been insisting that we go there one of the weekends. She liked it very much. The music played there is slow and romantic. It makes you feel lost out in the crowd.
I held her arms in my arms when we were talking . It was music all around and dim lit candles swayed to lighten up sparsely. She asked me "Are you coming ,give me your hand".
...
She danced and tapped to the song played. Her energy increased as she danced. She was drenched in sweat. I was there watching her dance from a distant seat.
In between she would gesture and would ask me "Did u do this ever? Fun right".
I knew i did it too when alone.
"This is so much fun! I can go on for all night .I feel so much energy" She exclaimed.
I watched her.
"I feel so free" she shouted and wanted me to join. I looked at her.
"Come on. Why dont you say something !" She wanted to hear me say.
In our conversations she says the most.I always listen and go on listening.She had so much to say and i loved to listen. As if my ears were hungry .........
"Tell me what do you want me to say" I asked her.
She finished and was tired...
...
"Say anything ! I love whatever you say"she leaned on to me. Nose to my Chest, she felt safe in my arms.
"I love you " ,I wishpered in her ears
"How much "
"Too much "
"Like"
I spread my arms wide and exclaimed ,"This much"
"I love You"

....

...
..
.

" To love somebody whom you have never seen even once ...Isnt it pure love"

If Love marriages Fail..........

Why do love marriages fail compared to arranged ones ?

Possessiveness..............

She asked me "Are you possessive ?". I wondered whether i was one...how do you know that you are possessive ....
Is it good to be possessive in a Love relation?

Some words for the Romeo who thinks ........

One of my friends told me about an incident that happened a few days ago..............
I am just spreading light on the incidence that mattered to me because there was a lot of
misconception ....................

AP.........

Well how much could i give her in love , my hearts testimony, some of the dreams and the beautiful thoughts about her, the smile that flashed on my face when she swung in my thoughts,
these and a few more melodies that my mind sang when she danced in my month of love....

Naoko left AP forever..........

AP is the writer himself and assumes that his story has no coincidence with anybody ........if so
he thinks its purely coincidental.........................................

It was a rainy day in the month of June. Rains bring cheer in the hearts of few , tears in the eyes of many, some get wet when it rains , some get swept when it rains.......................
AP was recollecting everything with a heavy heart, years after he lived to be himself.

"But months later when i felt the impulse, i feel she could have been with me for ever"......He was talking about the pains that sprouted out of him after she left him... "She was too close to have left me,i knew she was strong". She would say ,"We part one day, i would leave you and live in a different world..."
She would say at other times," I am not the smartest girl , not the best for you, you are so sweet, you will get the most beautiful one,who will love you .....".
And I will stop her "Will you please ......Is there anything else to talk about ... "I thought she never felt like anything saying them. Then why would she say such heartless things.
"Yep we may part and you will be so happy" ,I reply in a choler tone. I knew my heart would have been broken by now already and it must have cursed me for not saying whats there in my mind. Hmm.... "
... .. . "Months later .i felt that she was weakened before me,she would lean back on to me and tell me...Opening her weaker emotions and splashing out "
.........................................*************************......
"I have seen her gentlest being, which yelled out for love,it was like a lamb..."
She came to our company , for a one year contract.And the contract was the same like the ones written prior to it...................................... She joined our company in the month of April as the new Japanese teacher, who would teach Japanese language and their culture to our staff.
It was a great oppurtunity to learn something new. It was meant to be a preliminary cultural exchange program .As our company had overseas tie up with Japan ,we thought of a brighter future with such an interaction. That would mean greater job chances and better life standards. Our company used to place most of our staff in Tokyo and Nagoya.
To be able to work in Japan , the person must know the native japanese characters and kanji otherwise life there is going to be difficult.
So for a japanese aspirant like me, learning japanese was the only option. I enrolled for the classes .
...
..
.
And during these Japanese study classes that we could come to know the Japanese more closer. I could understand them much more closely. This probably was going to be the beginning of a new relation in my life….At first we were more like strangers, a cluster of seven students who will be learning a new language with total awe .. But my interest in learning a new language and a culture grew up because of the opportunities it had for my future. The dreams of a job abroad with a promise for a brighter life,

AP.......

Walking side by side on almost evenings ,they used to talk about anything that came to their mind. She would wait for the evening . It was a beautiful wait for him too. It was this wait that intensified the desire to be together...brought them more closer......

Walking............

We walked as if there are no that destinations would satisfy us....................
Was it walking that mattered or was it the time, time that we spent together........
WasWe walked as if there are no destinations would satisfy us....................
Was is the talk that i yearned to listen and share.........
It was something that i could depend upon and forget myself.......

AP ..

Hmm..........

Pyaroo...........

Here is the pet name of my friend............

What my friend had to say...

"There are times when you have to stop loving someone, not because you started hating them,but because you realize that they would be much more happier,if you let them go."

Daffodils .....TEARS

When She Called him last night , he was soaked in tears. She said she was suffering from pain.
“An intoxication of Pain has taken over me, Pain intoxicates me, my emotions were dead for a moment…” she said. He was having a glass of beer then when she called me . She liked to share the drink with him. “Please talk to me , I will intoxicate you” she said. Her emotions came out loud and voluminous. He never know any other lady in this world who is so perfect ,despite her imperfections. She is aware of her selves, she suffers from pain.They were never mere flesh for each other. That never swayed their relationship. In the chill of the night ,his spine trembled with fear, he could feel tears drying out in his ears.
“Can we share a drink , ever ?”She asked. “Its difficult right now, but I want it right now” she exclaimed. How helpless she was, even he was no less helpless.
“We will one day ” he said as if he were finding a treasure of hope in despair.
Then he thought to himself “I know most others , who think of being mere meat soup running around. All are carried away by the smell of flesh, We are mere flesh for competition. We are interested in grabbing a piece of another, even we snatch those pieces from others when we are hungry”
He wanted to get more intoxicated with alcohol, but her pain solemnized him for a longer time. He could ever go on drinking and still be normal, as if she came to hold him in her arms. Then he realized how futile it be if he keeps on searching solace in intoxication. He thought ,"Well they are in her, in me, everything is in us." They need to find that ,As long as he keep on talking to her he can fuel his inner self.
The need for flesh is a seed for vengeance, it generates and separates human beings . There is a strong desire of possession , its like a greed for flesh. The strongest example is a "Battle for Sex". The result is a turmoil in mind. Any Relationship that is devoid of a possession is going to last longer and sweeter. Its a fountain of energy. .....

Wait for my next series on Anand and his love........

Hmm........
There was a guy called Anand. He was alone and walked the streets without a partener.

Moonlit...........

"My mood was under her influence,then i looked out of the door ,i
could see her impressively beautiful standing bathed in the moonlight ,the rays
reflected of her bosom and navel." i stood their for a while ,gazing.There was silence around.and it was dark in my room.The only white object was the taj "oh! darling ,it is so beautiful" She just came from the shower. We both were looking at the taj
mahal from our hotel room ,I knew that the taj mahal is one of the most romantic monuments on earth,when moonlight
falls on her,she looks so beautiful like a glowing white jewel . Bathed in milk. I will fantasy this way,i go to delhi from cochin with my belowed .Then she has
this plan of seeing the taj dipped in white moon light.My lover is a romantic
lady. I know she can be turned on with this visit. And this could be a treat for
her, me and lover slowly walk towards the taj.Hand in hand, touching and feeling
each other
From the far, a glow has filled around.I think what the great emperor Shah

Jahan had in his mind when he decided to build the taj,Was it a present to his

belowed. was it a testimonial to their love. or something else.

किसी ने लिखा ...शायद दिल को चोट पहुचाई...

एक अंधी लडकी थी । उसे उसके एक दोस्त के अलावा सबने ठुकरा दिया था । पर वो दोस्त उससे बहुत प्यार करता था । लडकी रोज़ उससे ये कहती कि अगर वो उसे देख पाती तो उसी से शादी करती । एक दिन किसी ने उस लडकी को अपने आंखे दे दीं । जब वो देख सकने लगी तो उसने देखा की उसका वह दोस्त अंधा था । दोस्त ने उससे पूछा की क्या अब वो उससे शादी करेगी ? लडकी ने साफ़ इनकार कर दिया । इस पर उसका दोस्त मुस्कुराया और चुप चाप उसे एक कागज़ देकर चला गया । उसपर लिखा था -

Traffic Condition

The city's traffic condition is so bad that it takes around an hour to move from south to kaloor.....the incident that happened to suresh is an example of how cruel and bad our traffic system is . The race is not against time but against death and friction .We are lucky to see him back in our office.

Roses

My heart filled with love , i thought it might burst.............

The First Salary of satoshi........

When the Japanese staff come to work in India ,they face many difficulties to make it out right here. One of the major problems they face is the huge cultural difference they find outstanding...in spite of it they always show a very high level of friendliness and adaptability. I hope the same happens if Indians go to other countries for living and earning. They become mature and start taking up responsibilities.
There were always four Japanese vacancies in our organisation ,when i came here it was ... two for men and two for ladies. We as staff and as friends have been interacting with these ambassadors of Japanese culture, trying to imbibe new and astonishing features of Japanese culture. One of the most important and vocal point that our staff makes invariably,is the hard working and persevering ability of the Japanese.
I was lucky to be a part of this team.
But this time , two youngsters came. One of them was Satoshi Nakagaawa, i call him Sato for a closer relation. "He seems to be so sweet " exclaimed a friend of mine. I knew she was right. He is in fact sweet . Japanese language system is one of the most complicated features of their culture and heritage. Learning their language was a...........

He looked at me and cried ,

He was crying all through out the night, was drunk and smelt the human sweat adulterated with alcohol when he talked to me. He told me that she called him sometime back when he was out of the office.
She asked him,"He proposed to me.What should i answer?" .They were having a talk over the cell. She works in a huge firm and earns much better.She seems to be settled. But his settled heart was broken and he broke down. Crying is never optional then, it was uncontrollable............

Typical office chat............

Chris ::raavile meeting enthai
Jose :what ?
Chris ::with kato ?cabinil kayarunathu kandu
Jose : hmm..meeting ..enthu parayaana........
Chris ::Ennittu nee innale pants medicho?
Jose:oh atho athu pulli edkaku work entha cheyunne ennu ariyan villikunnatha...
yaa innalle njan orennam vangi. kollam good one...

Chris ::ethrayi ehtu color
>Rs.490.. black shade

Chris ::company ?? Ethu kada
>hmm company i m not remember... from grafity

Chris ::cool! pakshe kollamaayirikkum alleda..
orennam enne medikkanam ennu vichaarikkunnu.......
Joseph ::ya that is the prob .... atha njan kure kalam aayi medikannam ennu vicharikunnu pinne oru kariyam manassilayi nammuku nammude pressanagal illathakan pattilla we should over come that.... if want somthing njan athu cheyannam.... god will help me to do....

''
Chris ::....problemsinu oru end um varaan pokunnilla
they will always be there ..
ini ippo athonnum vichaarichittu kaaryamilla
Chris ::wat giri say
>onnum parajilla... ippol oru interview letter vannittundu njan athu nokuva
;;
evidunna Giri de Aano atho vere
athu annalllu vannathu polathe oru letter aannu from Symphony Services

He Gave her his Jacket........

And he clung to it , to feel her . Will she ever return back!........

Daffodils ....An Escape

After coming here She came to know about the exam schedule.Due to the indefinite strike exams stand postponed. She had to think about how to spend the day, He (...) gave her company for the whole day.He didnt present much problems and was coming out with jolly conversations.They went to the gardens near the city' s lone dam,a tourist spot , tourists flock their especially during the summer vaccations.It was april and they had good time. There were spots where one can sit and be lost in thoughts with no distractions from the out, there might be a tree which would provide shade and its underneath nothing but tender grass spreads in a thin layer ,fills the lawn like a sheet.The lawns are watered properly to keep the green lush and leafy. A survey of the marshy land soothes your eyes ,ripples played on the surface of the water that seem to be swallow near the shore. She was comfortable to find the same spot again left vaccant ,so she was happy to express concerns about other things freely.The resting place ,,may be the hiding place , losing yourself place, makes it so special that we tend to personalise and start possessing it, finding such a hiding place was so important, it was to escape from the external world where you are an object of speculation to the one that is eternal where you are lost even in the crowd.
She expressed her concern over the dying condition of the lake,she was watching it as she spoke about the past four years ....................
He was listening and making available her the most patient ears, he was absorbed .
....
..
.
The evening drooped in bringing the garden lights on..............
It was a long awaited conversation ,evening was the best time for a recoup . Hot weather always kills the hopes of a traveller ,along with sweat,heat and discomfort ..dust becomes a nuisance. But now she felt fresh....................
........
...
..
.

Now the atmosphere has calmed itself with the sun moving down. The fresh smell of water pouring on to the dry soil generated a tingly feeling. She could find no other safer place in the world now. "How nice it would be if i could talk and you sit and listen unmoved.." said she. The lights were brighter towards the Dam resorvoir and there was some mmusic going on. Dancing lights played in tune with the notes of the accompanying music, they were colored and made the sorroundings colorful.
People flocked all around the podium ,and faithfully sat down to usher a crack of topics. There was noise all around of human chatter. But it all looked so well matched that they felt like coming back there where they could snatch a free time. She wanted to feel the air, and stood up with the wind blowing across her face blowing her hair gently. He watched her strecthing her arms and kept watching her. "How much i love you,how can i tell you?" he wishpered to himself and he could hear it clearly.
..
.
Some years ago he went to her home to see her grandmother. But the trip materialised only after a lot of planning.It was a village in the interior region.Her father lived in there along with his sister(her Appachi) now she is a widow ,in their parental home taking care of their ailing old mother.
Her grandma turned 86 last week. Entirely covered by wrinkles ,her body is never left with any
spot unwrinkled. Her eyesight disappeared long years back and the only contact she had with the outside world is her hearing And shouting at her meant the only it worked. The river behind their home flows slowly ,dragging sluggishly the little amount of water it had. Small bunds have been created here and then to collect enough water for human usage in the drought period....which are a common happening every year.

On the contrary , the atmospohere inside the room was very cool and soothing

Unseen Love .....................

She springs in me the blooms of a season , for her thoughts are so sweet .......
She has not spread the wings , of the most tender breeze blew to bring her...
She is there , did i not feel her when her thoughts filled my mind.....................

they need care and love....

B: I think we should got to a orphanage and spend some time there ...
A: hmm..right. You know sometimes ,I think i am an orphan
no one needed me because i had some bad qualities....
nobody liked me , then I felt lost out ,left alone as if i am an orphan and a beggar........

B :No !! You have a family,
think about a person who has nobody to say mom or dad..
if u say u r an orphan, i vll kill u.
A : You r right :)
No man i am not saing that i am an orphan .
Isnt it wrong to say when there are so many people who are destitutes and orphans.........
I have almost everything that a human being needs............
bcos my needs are so less .enough is there with me......
but i know the sadness to an extent , undergone when u r left alone...
I know that those people whom i call orphan are actually much more stronger than me...
if they had something extra than what they had ....
their life would have been different..........
i am lucky that i am not an orphan
i am lucky that i can feel the pains of a sad human , helpless to convey himself.
But we will go man to see them......


B: Dont think about our weakness. if we feel we are weak,
then how can we tell to others "be bold"??

A: Hmm.. I am weak I know that from inside
But i can be as strong as the coconut shel from the out
then i am ready to face anything
then i can become the strongest
But we will go man to see them......

B: here, never think about ourself. here we need a mind to meet them
you are strong man. i know it..

A: We have the mind to see them and now some time is required
If u wanna show yr love to anybody or anything You need to take out time for it........
if u spend a caring time with someone thats the real gift for them ....
not caring whether they care or not............
thats how we show we love them...

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B: Do we need to have some money with us to go there so that can be gifted for their welfare.
A: Wont that be a good thing if we can spend time with them .............about the money ..hmm we need to have a good amount of it...
B :Can we not go and watch an orphanage from the outside ?
A: why not ! we can do that too as long as we don't have enough money to donate..
B: Hmm
A: I used to go to a temple near my home called Oachira where there are hundreds of old men and women come and live ,not like orphans the orphanage still the temple is inhabited by homeless people, I used to see them once in a month ......sometimes i had money but mostly never had money..
so would sit in between them and feel them
B :Why dont we use the blog to collect the money???
Open an account and we too involve it
A:How can we use it

sad

When one of my friends told me that we are going to part soon I was sad. I felt that i am gonna lose a friendship that was home in my heart ,we stood together in the dark dimly lit frontal of a shop on the first floor of a huge shopping complex. It was 7 in the evening , sunday evenings are always lazy and slow.We could feel that in the sorroundings. The evenings are a buzzling time for shopping activities.
It has been a cloudy day and the day was dull with lot of thoughts........we stood there facing the dim lights of the Supermarket. She told me ,"I am not going home the coming weekends , will be here"
I was sad bcos i felt as if i will be alone

Fear............................

When we fear that we are going to lose a precious thing, we feel sad . Sadness then has to be related to the possession of things.

A confrontation......

ANGER.......... Anger is an impulsive reaction to an unprecedented situation in which z human being is momentarily placed. An example has been cited below....................
Patience is an asset to possess.It may not cost in millions and pays back ten fold. But not all manage to keep it with them and discard it too early.People who have great success in life ,time and again proved the significance of patience.They showed us that without patience nothing could be achieved worthwhile in this mortal world .
Let me cite an example , this happens almost daily in their home. She is a typical housewife who possibly thinks one should win out of every situation.She would ask her husband ,"Dont you feel ashamed of yourselves of being a failure"
He replied "What can I do?That is the reality!" That was a rude reply .
"This is the root cause of your failure ,my dear,you behave too rude to show your deeds.Nothing is greater than Heavens !! Fear the God!"
"You are the laziest guy, the most useless fellow i have ever seen. Still you are so proud" ,She was virtually like trembling with anger.One could feel the curse in her words.
With this level of conversation going on ,his level of patience decreased and his animosity emerged. He angered in a split second , he was rude. Oncethe temper is breached ,personal good and common good is not seen. Then you shower out words which are entirely spitting venom from the inside. If there were any to be spitted, they look for a vent and oust right at such junctures.

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Every possible curse, hidden subdued words and expressions flung in succession. One can feel the incosistency of human relations in a situation which peels of the skin from your body .
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We owe a very small life extending upto a meagre multiple of few tens ,but even that small and mediocre span of life can be made and lived exemplerary and immortalised. It is not important how long we live but the fact that how we lived is significant.

Daffodils....She sits thinking .....

She found a kind of inertia in moving about coolly in studies,those seem to be the only time pass for her . But spending time on studies was a major problem.The start is a bit of a mental hurdle.
She used to think about what happened as if it were a irepairable damage. If you look closely you could find her eyes getting ready to drip ,with the first ball of tears ready to trip... When she pulled her muscle of the face to hide her feelings and .........................
Its a plausible feeling which enables me to wonder. She may be lost in her world.The book s lay opened in the vicinity,not far away is a clock that made the least sound but it did not bother her and nor was it bothered.They sat together face to face but in two different worlds.
No sound could be heard.If we can hear whats in her mind , there may be a lot of noise in her silent mind,which die inside her for the want of a life. Some voices are too strong they take us to a different world ,
and then the clock struck 12,bleeping to remind that her presence was not alone.
A awe generation of some inner symphony.But for the flow of certain thoughts brain activity is at its lowest.
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She opened the drawer and took out a card. Again she droops back into the seat. A telephone call woke her up from a nap in the afternoon.

His first ceremonial ....

I Heard my friend's father sending public interest complaints and editorials to newspapers etc.Since it was related to writing i could but not keep irresisted. An oppurtunity was there when i went to him(at his home) .He talked about Old age problems.One can never avoid hearing his critic remarks on politicians. His file was a good collection of papers which ranged from personal to public petitions.
In the meticulously arranged papers, there was a one which was of great importance. It is with regard to the """""""""...................which caught my attention.
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It was made a great ceremony of . The fisrt drink ,symbolic of transformation of a man into a alcoholic.But He knew that he wont go to that extent, he knew it.It was a sort of tasting experiment ,in a matter of time , he too would break the innocence of being a nerd and a boor , transforming himself into a sophisticated modern geek. The venue was fixed. The drinks were fixed.Different varieties and the corresponding prices were tallied. A decision was finally taken by """""""".....
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He remebered that it was a day of collecting his marklists.

Crush over a girl....27-02-2002

How does one feel the crush?
Crush on a girl. Does she become different from all others. Everything about her makes my world so beautiful.Not less her thought.How do you go crazy for her? Well the moment you look at her, does the heart beat faster.Eye gleam with bashfulness,drowned in expectations.Nothing comes on tongue but mind full of words. Its like being the biggest fool !!

Resolutions and everytime........

Every time I make resolutions, real and daring ones , sometimes they seem that identity of work and time management are my birthrights.Everytime ,these are the very resolutions that are beyond my expected delays and human errors,I never take into account.Both virtuality and reality ironically form the same face.Simply the actions never match words.And it is a comfort that soothes me, to sometimes make my mind that i too can be resolute. So everytime i break all my resolutions, its as natural as creating it ,even though not at once but gradually.Everytime a compromise is reached , bitter concessions are given rooms.Everytime the resolutions to keep away from resolutions is taken , but that too very often is broken.

After this much drama , i come to know my weakness and failures.A pin point plan is made keeping in mind every aspect of my mistakes and wrongs.At some sudden surge of emotions these very determinations mould themselves into solid resolutions. Unknowingly.As usual everytime this again meets the dead end gutter, everytime all resolutions die only to reincarnate themselves.

We appreciate changes that bring goodness to us, planning a great day ahead , or a dream that our day should be like , we appreciate any small happiness. Because at any time , squared in our mind is the feeling of being happy.

Next day ...

Morning is the best part of the day. I dont believe there can be a day without a morning.

Diary note, 2005 August 7..

Happy Birthday 'arun',
Pyaroo sent me a card like everytime, this time too. And the usual message "Aap hamesha khush rahna , bhaiyya" at the bottom line, made me really happy. I still remember getting cards from him. ....its been a source of happiness, to know that this day was not just important to me but to him too, to know that he instills confidence in me, to know that i can be a hero to him. Sometimes i think he is so confident about that he starts believing that i can do things . I am reading his card...
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My note for the day, "I need a friend who likes me the way i am , who loves me the way i am right now whatever it is, and not love me for what i can become in the future. Because i know if i have a friend , i will like and love them for what they are now, because that friend is precious to me than what that friend can do or will do ."
I always have questions in my mind ,questions like whether i make it ? Anyday is a day of hope,because with the morning comes the hope of a new beginning ,with all my frustrations dead down , my mind is calm and fresh. I may make friends , but then ......................................

How can a news transform my friend into the

Finally Blessey called me to end a long cold war between us. He took the initiative to break the ice. The news which he gave was to make things more brighter in his life. He is getting married, on the 20th August 2007. i must say here that this news is totally surprising and has popped up almost unexpectedly but with an ease of a graceful event.Thats his attitude. The thing came up so swiftly that he had no time to think about but to act. He seems satisfied...i learnt that being happy is a state of mind. One has to feel the happiness inside. but most often we only tend to be ignorant and act too smart. How often we suffered together.
I hope he still talks about Herbalife. Then we used to have episodes of fun based on herbalife. I still remember having gone to .............Well there are more episodes that should be added to spectrum. Spectrum life and my friends. I hate my college and the university. In those years of my life, if i had a choice i would have never chosen to study for a Degree. I hate them who take the onus of producing engineers. I dont have the slightest respect for the word , Education. Its like the ..........
Spectrum had more good thing to offer .

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I must strongly come out of shell of depressive cover, but i have seen destroyed lives all gathered together gasping for air and life.That part of my life ,i think i put it at Stake........I hate that life which screwed and made an ass out of me. People stood up only to kick at me ... I love myself as much i hate them who were acquainted at the Techniical Unversity.... A worst experience which seeds in me to germinate the strongest of vengeance in an innocent soul..

How can I Adjust to circumstances?

I don’t know why this topic intrigues me so much.It’s all so important to research about. Psychology, mental illness, burnouts are topics that became food for my thoughts.Let me talk to myself and a thousand meanings are conveyed. I love myself, Infact I must say I started to love myself. Somewhere when I was very young ,when my inner self was growing up sooner than my outer body, I was never sure who I was. I would look at children play and dust around in the summer of north India. years to that scene have been added but they remain in my mind like unhealed wounds.

Nobody can be a good friend to me as I would be to me.

I make this world my world when I am there. It was this way for years. But today things have began to change. Winds of change.
Why would anybody be so much interested in his childhood , when it was a grim thing that almost bled every part of it. Recollecting it ,to understand my adolescence helps me find answers to questions that arise in our society.Why was I down with a rattling list of negatives. Might be the consequences of acquaintances that I made , were torments that i could not bear anymore.

When parents attribute their losses , grief to their spouses and children, who feel that they have not any meaning to life compared to their counterparts , it starts a psychological break up.

I perceived a different world ever since my childhood, my perception might have been so different from what might have been normal to most that it almost developed a entirely new dimension of thoughts for me.

i could imagine one day a kid came to me and said , Can you see my world through my eyes ? I perceived the verbal and non verbal abuses ever since my childhood. Then the child grows in an environment , where appreciation and encouragement have no meaning there.

I was perceiving the world from my view point as if a person can visualize things and situations from different viewpoints. and i had much to get influenced by words and letters, that they became an important part of life. I started reading the great books of the past , learning the skills of a good reader. i had spent my prime years in desolation confined to a single closed room. Then there was this urge in me to explore in me a person who dreams of seeing the outside world, and plunders the wonders of nature in its unlimited manifestation, without inhibition, like the nascent feelings of a young boy who saw the amusements of a festival just after he was freed from a long hard work. My findings of a fewer realities in the childishness of a person made me realize one thing. Which i then thought could be of much importance in life.But i will talk about it later in the day.

A written testimonial for a friend ..........

Catching a glimpse of your own greatness can be one of the most unsettling experiences imaginable. And even more disturbing is the awareness of the tremendous challenges that await you if you accept it. Living consciously is not an easy path, but it is a uniquely human experience, and it requires making the committed decision to permanently let go of that mouse within you. Going after your greatest and most ambitious dreams and experiencing failure and disappointment, running butt up against your most humbling human limitations instead of living with a comfortable padding of potential - these fears are common to us all.

"We are grateful for the smallest of merries. We were glad when there was time to delouse before going to bed, although in itself this was no pleasure as it meant standing naked in an unheated hut where icicles hung from the ceiling."